I HAD a Plan...Did Not Work Out

I used to have this plan as to how my life would be. I would be married, have 1-2 kids, be a successful doctor and we would live somewhere cool like Colorado or Sedona or something.

Then life happened.

Marriage hasn't worked out for me so far...although one day I would like to be again. Obviously, since I never even finished college, I am not a doctor. I live in San Antonio. I have no kids.I don't have a white picket fence, I have a black metal one.

I TRIED to have kids. I practiced and practiced LOL and practiced...and I have never gotten pregnant. I don't know if it was the fact that I only have one stupid ovary (because I had a tumor when I was 15 and they took my other one out)...all of the surgeries I have had since then for cysts etc....the radioactive shit I had to put into my body for my cancer treatments...whatever! All I know that it just wasn't in God's plan for me.

I have also tried 2 rounds of invitro. That was such hell on my body...and pocketbook. I did 2 rounds of this. On the second round, I actually had 2 eggs fertilize and they survived for 4 days. For those of you who don't know, the embryo has to survive for 5 days to be implanted. I was SO excited. I was willing to take the risk of being pregnant. For me it is VERY high risk due to the lovely blood clotting disorder that I was born with. There was a definite risk of death for me, but I was willing to take it. Day 5 comes and I am at the doctors preparing for my implantation...only to find out that they literally just died. Heartbreak. Fuck.

Just wasn't in "His" plans. I am ok with that....now. I wasn't back then. I was pissed. I would see all of these girls all around me have sex one time and get pregnant with kids they really didn't want and it used to fucking piss me off.... honestly.

You are probably wondering why I just didn't adopt one yet. Thinking back, I wish I would have years ago, but I wanted to try and have my own. Then as the years have passed, I just didn't want to raise a kiddo on my own. I wonder now that I am in my 40's  what God has in store for me. Part of me figures that I will end up with a dude that has kids, but they won't ever be MY kids.

So what to do...

It is hard for me to even hold a baby sometimes because I could never have one. Is that weird? Maybe. I am not sure if it is subtle jealousy or that the action just causes me so much pain and sadness.

What DOES make me sad is that I cannot make my parents grandparents. Cause they would be great freakin' grandparents. I see their eyes when they see their brother's and sister's kids have kids of their own.I know that it makes them envious and sad.  I know that they yearn to be grandparents and that is a present that I have not given to them.

I have such a close relationship with my parents that part of me cannot imagine not having a child of my own and the other part of me wonders if I have become too selfish with my time to have one of my own. I would be a damn good mom though.

It scares the shit out of me when I think that I will not ever have one of my own and then it also scares the shit out of me to raise one ON my own. I know that I would and could provide an amazing life for a child. I know I can.

As I write this, man...it has been some great freakin' therapy for me!! LOL

My "gut" (which is God to me) tells me that I will be a mom one day...when it is right.

That's all I got for today!

Jen


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